Currently Listening Iowa By Slipknot People = SHIT see related

okay so fuck talking about a guy, yea i have a new bf but im not spilling on here about it cause everytime i do, it doesnt work out a month later and i jinx myself. no, im talking about fucking fake ass bitches that i cannot fucking stand anymore. you cant be my friend if youre not my friend, and if u shun me over a stupid fuckin rumor from a fatass piece of shit, then you werent my friend in the first place. people say shit, stop fucking crying about it and being pissy about it, and get the fuck over it. the thing that pisses me off is the fact that i have many friends in south philly and i brought friends from up here to chill down there, and after all this BULLSHIT happened, they still go down there without me. i mean yea its a free country and all, but if it wasnt for me, they wouldnt fuckin know shit about sp. and another thing, the friends i made down there that dont talk to me no more cause theyre petty too, are the people that the "friends" from up here chill with. HELLO!!! theyre NOT your friends. they wouldnt do anything for you. what else do yous go out and do besides for drinking? do you have sleepovers and paint each others nails or just hang out and watch a movie? NO. yous are just drinking buddies. and if this offends anyone, fuck you cause i dont give a flying fuck. not like anyone reads xanga anymore, but if it got stumbled upon, i dont care. im really considering not being friends with one of the persons from up here, even tho we made up and everything is "cool" now. if i was youre real good friend, you wouldnt have ignored me for two weeks and lied to me about what you were doing. yea so i said shit here and there, big deal everyone has an opinion, but youre a hypocrite too. if you havent said shit about someone, then throw a fuckin stone at me. hmm, you cant. youre just as guilty as I, and so is everyone else. im just tired of hearing "oh i went to shamrock" when it wasnt you and I that were hanging out. it shouldnt bother me but it does. and i think its real shitty that you get all wasted beyond belief and drive 45 minutes to get home. thats it. im done.

well who thought i would even think of writing in xanga anymore; it basically died. but sometimes you just gotta get out how you feel in writing, and myspace is definately not the place to do that. i can trust my xanga cause yea, no one looks at this anymore. i was reading my previous entries and how i wrote in them, i feel as if i was writing like a 14 year old. like all giddy and happy about a cute guy and stuff. ive learned alot in the past several months and ive grown alot too. im not much different but theres still some things i wanna change, with some of my family for example. well, the real reason i resorted to my xanga, is to write about my boyfriend mike. i met him thru my friend josh and his cousins who josh and i are friends with. its a big group of friends. anywho, i met him at the pub he bartends at and one night after knowin each other for basically the whole summer, we had kissed. and it was one of those weak in the knees, sends chills down my spine kisses. and the way i felt after that, was a way i havent felt for a long time. i felt that way the first time i fell in love, and we all know who im talking about. so after we kissed, i felt nervous but so trusting, almost as if i knew that if i let myself fall for him, that he would be right there to catch me. usually im the first person to jump in and profess my feelings, but this time, this one and only time, it wasnt me.. it was him. that made me feel even more comfortable and sure of my feelings because we both felt this incredible feeling. so we have been a couple for about 3 weeks or so, maybe a little bit more, and its been spectacular. honestly, i could not ask for more. i never knew guys like him existed. now i dont wanna sound like a broken record cause ive raved about every boyfriend that ive dated, but this guy, mike; he's so different. its so hard for me to explain but everytime i see his name come up on my phone, and everytime he catches my eye, i get butterflies in my stomach, and i get this overwhelming feeling. this relationship is fairly new, but i feel like ive known him all my life. i feel like these past few weeks have been so much longer, and i can honestly say i was scared to feel it, and let someone have my heart, but i know he wont break it. theres a few complications thrown in as of right now in his life that he needs to handle, but i know how he feels about me and that little notion just lifts my spirits. i can only think about the future, and how amazing it will be. just the thought of him makes me smile. and i love how when im with him, i feel so safe, like he wants to take care of me. i was talking to someone a while ago, and i said that if i were to meet the guy im going to spend the rest of my life with, i would be ready. ive been thru the whole bar scene for the past 2 years, and i cant really see it changing much when i turn 21. now im not saying im positive that he is the one, but i would love him to be. all i know is that i could not be luckier and happier at this moment in time. and i am so freaaaakin happy that our paths crossed.

well whoever it was that read this tremendously long entry, i was just gettin my sappy feelings out, kinda confiding in my diary. but hey thanks for readin.

well, surprisingly, things have calmed down. for a while i was supposedly gunna "get my ass kicked" or something like that, but i havent heard bull from any of those people that i want nothing to do with. drama is not my department so im gunna stick with staying away from it, cause i dont wanna know about it. if only i knew how things woulda turned out in the end when i said i'd be edd's girlfriend, cause then i woulda said hell no. but you can never tell those things so, all i can say is that everything turns out the way it should in the end. people make mistakes and ultimately learn from them, so hopefully i can be a better judge of character and listen to my family from now on. i dont regret this whole big mess, cause it was a learning experience and i dont regret what i do, only what i dont do. so now i can breathe easy and not have to be caught up in any silly petty drama anymore. well i hope i didnt speak too soon, but i think its safe to say that its all over.

Currently Playing: Mariah Carey - Can't Take That Away

so my life sucks really bad right now. edd told me on friday which was our 2 month that he didnt think he was over his ex. ouch right? and he told me that he wanted to figure a bunch of shit out like gettin a new job and his rent is due soon and he wanted to get his car fixed. so this whole past weekend i was a total mess. i cried pretty much non stop. and it hurt even more to find out that he spent some of it with her. so i went to talk to him today and he said he was still really confused and this is the first time in 3 years that hes able to think for himself cause when he was with her he didnt. so i asked him if he still wanted to be on a break and still b together and he said yea but at the end of the convo he said that he thought maybe we should just break up for now so he can figure stuff out. he said he thought about me and stuff, but hes just still confused. i mean, i cant be mad but it sucks cause these past two months have been amazing and i havent been that happy in a long time. but if what we had was bad, then i wouldnt b so upset, so this whole thing with him came outta nowhere basically. so now i dont have him to call mine, shes still with her bf and shit but who knows. he said he me today that he heard that i heard that his ex broke up with her bf and that hes trying to get back with her and he said no that wasnt happening. and i said well do u wanna b with her and he just said i dunno. but his best friend said that if he chooses to be with her, hes making a worst mistake of his life cause she treated him so badly. so i have no idea whats gunna happen from here. maybe we'll get back together, or he'll be with her, or he just will be alone. i have no clue. but im just hoping that he wants to be with me. i miss him so much and im head over heels for him. i dont wanna completely lose him, but i feel like that's what its coming to. i told him id give him his space and time to figure it all out but you never know how long that'll take. so im pretty much still a sitting duck. i dont wanna find anyone else cause i thought he was it. i thought we'd b together for a while. the only person who can help me now is God, and i really hope he does. please keep me in your prayers because i feel like ive been torn apart and i dunno what to do with myself..

currently playing: Hoku - Nothing In This World

i am so sick of drama. i dont know why its following me, its so gay. i hate that im not "allowed" to hang out with a certain person because other people had a bad past with them. i have respect for people but give me a break. its almost ridiculous cause thats that past and has NOTHING to do with me. let me be a big girl and form my own opinions. im just tired of it, and i feel like everybody expects so much from me. im only one person, i can only do so much. yea i wanna help people out but sometimes things come up, sometimes you get sick and spend a whole day and night throwing up and crapping. it sounds kinda funny, but im not laughing right now. im sorry i cant always be that shoulder everyone needs to lean on. sometimes i just cant live up to that. its not my fault, im only human. im not perfect, so what do you expect? i kinda just wanna go into hibernation for a while so maybe people will just forget about me for a while. i know that sounds bad but i just cant take it anymore. i need a breath of fresh air and i feel like im suffocating. im not saying no one can rely on me, because you can. you just cant help stuff sometimes. and maybe right now my priorities are outta whack but i can easily kick em back in. i just gotta realize it and change it. i just cant stand when people are pissed at me for things i cant control. im sorry if i dissapoint and im sorry im not such a strong shoulder. i guess i cant do anything right...